I am a hypocrite
So before I begin, I would like to get the disclaimers out the way, that you are more than welcome to skip right over.
Disclaimers:
- This is not, I repeat, not a cry for help. This was my main reluctance around writing this blog.
- Integrity is a core value of mine. It irks me more than you could ever know to see people say 1 thing & do another.
- I am happy and well.
- Writing is therapeutic for me to get my thoughts and feelings out.
Dealing with loss
So this summer I lost one of the most important people in my life. It made me see life differently and my perspective shifted once more.
But it wasn’t the first time I lost someone, which makes this process of grief unusual.
I have sadly seen many go before me, all far too soon.
But this affected me more than I could ever imagine. At first, even my thoughts and feelings around what I had loss were incorrect. But over time, and having time to reflect I have been able to make sense of what I lost and some of earlier memories I either remembered wrongly or got slightly misconstrued.
Maybe.
Now without going into the loss, of someone I grew up adoring like an older brother, a best friend and just about the easiest person I could ever talk to, about anything, I realised I was in for a road of “practice what you preach”.
Mental illness
You see, since ever understanding mental health, and my amazing mom being diagnosed with chronic depression and then later understanding my own battles with mental illness, primarily through anxiety, I had been spending 20+ hours a week helping others and educating myself around mental health and illness.
I started a podcast, Find Your Voice, that I can with a straight face and no exaggeration claim to be a worldwide success, often reaching the top 10 charts and receiving 100s of positive comments about the positive effects its had on peoples lives.
I started a second podcast, The Black Country Blokes, with a friend and two strangers where we speak about mental health and what it is like being a man battling this.
Of all of these successes, achievements or however you choose to categorise them, I was proud of myself when I was able to impact and change the narrative around taboo subjects.
When I was able to hear my loved ones, open and up to talk.
When we stopped suicides.
And if I am to take 1 thing away from the 200+ conversations I have with some of the most beautiful people in the world, it is that:
Talking is the best medicine
Yet here I am, the hypocrite, unable to separate my lips, unclench my teeth and tell the people I love the most I can’t cope.
I am supposed to be stronger.
I have already lost 10+ people in the last few years.
I am self aware. People have it worse than me. I am truly blessed.
But I can’t cope.
I can’t stop this unbearable gut-wrenching pain stop me from wanting to just not believe in the world again. Add to that, I fear for the losses I may have to see of my loved ones who I am so grateful to still have in my life.
Will I be able to cope then? If we use now, as a barometer I would suggest not.
Is talking really that easy?
Now as a man, who speaks about mental health daily, there is nothing less frustrating for to now that the 1 thing I need to do I am unable to do. The 1 thing I know helps, I am not doing. The 1 thing that can help me heal, I can’t do.
Why?
And what’s worse is the guilt I feel, because I know those around me could benefit from talking.
Add to this, I now fully understand how hard it is to reach out to someone when they are struggling.
We all post Twitter quotes and memes, pretending we care so much about mental health, saying if you ever need me to call me, text me you know where I am.
But let me tell you, will and desire aside, the chances of people doing this are low.
I know this. I am 6 months into this grieving process and it feels like it happened this morning. Which makes me more anxious than I need right now. Are we just prescribing or stating things daily, that we know don’t really work?
Are we just trying to sound like we care and look self-righteous, rather than actually take 30 seconds to text the people you love, you love them. To call the person who hasn’t been as loud as they normally are?
Action over words, something I’ve probably spoken about myself too.
Ending thoughts
I apologise if this has been a brain dump of one man's experience of grief. But if we can take anything away from it, I hope it’s to know the two words:
“I’m okay” are often the biggest lies we tell ourselves and others.
I am not okay.
Maybe this pain will mean I’ll never be 100% okay, but just how you can laugh and cry at the same time I guess you can also be strong and vulnerable too. You can be okay and not okay simultaneously too.
I recognise my life is about as close to how I would have it daily. I have both my parents, my siblings, a wife, friends who I see as my siblings and health I wouldn’t trade with anyone.
So for that, I am forever grateful and I hope this post does not come across like a shout for help, as I have no negative thoughts around where my life is or heading.
I am merely navigating my way through life, my actions and trying to be a man who practices what he preaches.
I don’t want to be a hypocrite any more…
